It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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