im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
