When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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