My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
