we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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