Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Boobs are out for the taking
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
