maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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