Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
two words: eviction party
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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