I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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