i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize