I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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