I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
