all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
