I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
