final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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