i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm passing your future prison.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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