Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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