Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
