Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
