I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
