Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and she was petting her beer can
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
