so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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