Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
