youre lurking in front of me
I faked an abortion last night.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
