Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
