After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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