His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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