Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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