I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
