careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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