Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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