Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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