so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
