Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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