you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
cat food counts as protein by the way
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
