My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
