so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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