My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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