Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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