I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
