2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
