You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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