apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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