I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
