Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
