why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
