Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
