I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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