Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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