I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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