Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
