Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
