I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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