he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
