His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
