My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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