my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
