to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
wow bdsm is so cute
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
