I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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