bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There's always time for handjobs
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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